von's bday

HAPPY BIRTHDAY
MISS VON!

depressed

why cant ppl tell that i'm depressed? this holiday is so not the kind that i expected it to be. it's so freaking screwed up. i'm kinda looking forward to sch.. to meet up with my friends and get to know new ppl. ironically, i find it hard to smile at ppl and talk to them right now. all i want is silence. what the hell am i talking about?! argh. what is wrong with me?

planning time table is a pain in the ass. well like i said, if i learn to be contented with what i have, then i wouldnt be so frustrated. why am i so upset about that fucking schedule? walao... its only 10 min of bus ride. argh.... know what? i'm fucking pissed because i could have gotten something better. something that i want. its thrown right into my face not once but twice and i just had to let it slip away just like that... what the hell. its definitely a lesson well taught. kns.

whatever... i'm so gonna try to get the time slots that i want no matter what during the add drop period. *cross my fingers and toes and hope for the best*

i cant slp. going to work soon.
am still feeling upset.
but there's nothing much that i can do...
i just hope that the misery will disappear somehow.
if only i learn to be contented with what i have now...

i've been listening to aslyn's "that's when" the whole night.
the song means so much...
lovey dovey sad song never fails to capture my attention.

WHY CANT I JUST HAVE WHAT I WANT?!

ITS JUST A SIMPLE REQUEST!
I DONT WANT TO EAT!
THAT'S ALL!
dont waste that fucking 3 dollars!
cos i dont wanna eat!
if i said i don wanna eat,
dont make me eat!
and look now!
u forced me eat,
i'm not happy..
u are not happy...
i really dont understand!
i really dont!
i dont!
i simply dont!
IT IS SO FUCKING PISSING ME OFF!
IT HAS REACHED A POINT WHERE I CAN NO LONGER STAND IT!
I AM TYPING AND TEARING!
AND WHAT THE FUCK YOU PPL WANT FROM ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

lousy

at first i was really excited bout it and all.... but now i cant help doubting. went out with karen in the afternoon. we actually planned to shop around but it turned out to be a mega janet's complain session. sometimes i do things on impulse and it seems like everytime i've got good reasons/excuses for doing so. then when i really think about it, i realise that they are all mistakes that i shouldnt have made. i don't get my priorities right. i don't care about how others feel and its all solely bout me. when i want to make things right, they always have a different outcome. i'm tired. its so physically, mentally and emotionally taxing to live this life. well i cant blame anyone but myself.

i really feel like talking to someone about it. sadly, i guess the timing is just not right. the people that i want to talk to are not available for me. so i have to turn to this blog. but many times i find myself censoring alot... serioudly i have no idea why i even bother typing when i can't really say what i wanna say. it's not just frustrating but saddening too.

fucking screwed up life---> master piece of J.K.

i need isolation.

bad mood

a guy stopped me at the interchanged to do survey. eventhough he knew that i was in a bad mood, he still approached me. i was quite surprised by him. but honestly, i'd do the survey no matter what. cos i know the pain of having to ask someone for this kinda favour. see... i'm nice rite?

sad

i'm pretty upset. it is partly due to my family and i'm thinking of something else. someone actually. i'm still not quite over it. each time i think about her, i feel the ache. i feel sorry for her too. its just so upseting... from the bottom of my heart, i wish that angels would watch over her.

i've decided to just remove what i typed just now. argh.

still pissed

i'm still fucking pissed now! i feel like screaming my lungs out at them!!! i know i'm in the wrong and blah blah blah ......... but still i hate the things they said!!!! i just fucking hate it!

why cant she just tell me that i only have two choices instead of asking me what the fuck i want. sitting infront of her, i was so fucking tempted to say i want to live my life my way and be happy bout it. however, i couldnt do so because that mother fucker was in the kitchen. i saw no point to voice out anything! if it was just me and my mom, things would have been very different then. and i really don't understand when she called me back for a family meeting, she did say that everyone is involved... but when i got home, edward was already on his way out. what the hell?! so i just sat on the chair like an idiot and let them raised their voices at me. i figured out the best thing to do then was to keep quiet and it sure was the most rebelious way to anger my mom. wuahahaha. back to the 99% one sided confrontation... i was 1cm away from explosion when that fucker walked out of the kitchen to scold me simply because i asked my mom what is it that she wants from me, instead of asking me what i want. i mean it makes sense doesnt it as most of the time, i dont get what i want. its not as if she's gonna give in to me after i answer that fucking stupid question. anyway that mother fucker stomped out of the kitchen and said that i ought to come home before 10 everyday and blah blah blah... (oh baby... i was so rite! i predicted it! see?!)

and he started on how he knew that i was going to turn out this way... that its all my mom's fault for giving me too much freedom rite from the start. oh for god sake... i dont think he did anything for us! i mean... he didnt exactly discipline us when we were in msia... when we got to singapore, all that he did was to CONTROL. that is so not a way to discipline. and i fucking remember that i wasnt like this when i was in pri5. you know how fucking nerdy i was?! and thanx for calling me a prostitude! at least a pros is still a human... i can never in my life forget the day he called edward and me DOGs! KNNCCB! arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!! most of the things that he said simply makes no sense! he just expects all students to be like those god damn cheena fuckers. to have no social life at all... all they do is to mug in the halls. i cant stand it! i really cant! at least i'm in the UNIVERSITY! which he thought that i couldnt make it! and i still remember the things he said to my tutor during the pta 2 years ago. he said it was a mistake to allow me go to jc instead of the poly. fuck you! when have you ever play a part in deciding where to go for me?! not when i got my psle result and sure not after my o levels! when had he be happy for me when i got all my results!? NO HE DIDNT COS I COULDNT FUCKING GET A SCHOLARSHIP! well and i sure didnt get into ACS(I) or equivalent! i didnt make him proud enough! and fuck all the shit that i used to be the daughter that he most doted! fuck it! FUCK IT FUCK IT! he sure doesnt know what is going on with my life now and yes i intend to live it that way. i want him to be far away from me... he is soooooooooooo insignificant.

and my mom is another one. just plain stupid. STUPID! all these while, i told her everything. and she,of all ppl, should know it. i'd tell her when i'd go out, when i go clubbing, where i'm going, who i'm meeting, what's my friends' name, and who they are........... She knows! but most of the time she just couldnt bother enough to remember those stuff. you know one reason why i told her so much because i dont want things to be like the chinese dramas... when something happened to the girl and non of her family members know a shit about her! and she dared to tell me she doesnt know anything about me this morning! it is only this week that i stopped talking to her! walao! its so excruciatingly annoying!

you know one of these days, i'm so going to tell her that i wish she had remarried and then stomp off to work. i hate this family. actually i just hate him. when she said she stayed because of us... there was a pain in my heart literally. dont ask me why. i felt it then. i would have told her that i dont need her to stay... in fact i support the idea of her packing and leaving... of cos bringing me along! i told her before... and i still stick to my words. i'd be the first to jump up from my chair to pack my bags now if she decides to walk away from him.

speaking of which... she has been eating DURIAN with him the whole afternoon!

argh!!!!!

what is happening now?!

i'm just confused. he is the creation of all troubles and worries.

i was antagonised with the stuff that he said. i mean in the first place, i think that he has no right to tell me what i should or should not do. firstly, he hadnt been good when he was young. secondly, he didnt do anything for the family (in fact he still doesnt). and thirdly, all these time that he had created trouble, my mom had to wipe his ass off. and lastly.... he still owes me money! ya i know i did spend his money before... but well dont fucking give birth to me if you dont intend to spend a single cent on me. just screw him lah.......

i'm so pissed! so fucking pissed. i wanna punch someone....... i wanna scream..............

trust me.... this time round.... i'd show them the true rebelious one. they want me home... fine! i'd come home. i'd even be home before 10. but dont expect me to say anything to them. each time i open my mouth, i make it a point to inflict pain in them. i'd make them realise its a mistake for wanting me to do what they want.

argh. irritating.

pissed argh

GROUNDED.

bleah

i'm tired...

life has been so mundane ever since i started working in citibank. i'm not complaining about the job. its easy and the pay is not bad too (7 an hour would be better though). i know i have to work hard for the money. it upsets me when all i want is to add OT but the lady just wont allow me too. i know its not her fault cos there isnt any work that is so urgent for me to finish on that day. well.. i guess i should just be glad that i earn 40bucks everyday and thank god that i dont have to stay at home the whole day!

honestly, i hate the current situation whereby i'm not talking to my mom. she's acting fine, as though she's not affected by it at all. it should be the other way round. i should have the upper hand. one day, if she ever asks me why am i not telling her stuff anymore, i'd reply cos it doesnt matter to her at all. she doesnt seem to care. i dont understand her at all... so all she wants is me to be at home eventhough i'm showing her black face? what is the point to have someone at home and not appreciating her existance? what is the difference between having someone at home,not talking to her and not having her home? she's a nut case. i'm beginning to feel that we are drifting apart. i want to be good... i want her to know care... seriously i doubt she knows my fav food, colour, etc. she knows nothing about me. each time i have to take the initiative to tell her. whatever lah... i'm just freaking tired.

at times like this.... i'm so confused with my life. why do i even exist.... its just so unfair that someone actually gave birth to me w/o me choosing whether or not i want this life. i know it sounds crazy... but it is just my philosophy. argh. stupid.

hair

i cant stand my stupid hair style. i wanna cut it!!! short! real short. the old hairstyle. argh.... so sickening. everytime i look into the mirror, i'd always question myself what the hell was i thinking when i went to douglas the last time. my hair is eeeeeeewwwwwwwwww. its not ugly but too common.. too boring..

anyway i've declared cold war with my mom once again.

and i'm in marketing now. which is worrying. i know it is one of the slackiest specialisation but still... i'm worried. i wanna do well. blah blah blah... honours... urgh.

tired.

sch starts on the 25th of july. screw it. i thought its in august.

still trying to earn more money in citibank.

am going to meet my dearies for dinner this coming sunday.

would very much love to have dinner with karen and yiqi.

am looking forward to spend time with my bb. though i'm working with suan now, i'd still like to go out with her and xh...

let me see... what else did i miss...

none.

ohhhhhhhh check it out,,,,, *wink*

i'm so fucking upset the whole night... after talking to jace, i decided to surf the net instead of reading boring blogs. hmmmm and guess what? i came across this naughty pic which simply intrigues me. opppsss.... and i went on reading whatever you can think of. i was so indulge in the content that i found myself spending almost 2 hours at it. haha... finally there's something to brighten me up. thank god.

before i go.... i just have to say this ----------------->

Oooooooohhhhhhhhhh Seeeeeeeexiiieeeeeeeee.....

Gu Gu called

i cant believe that my aunt just called me. i'm still in shock.

apparently, my mom had been talking to her bout me. it just means that my mom is at her rock bottom. she's so fucking disappointed and all. i can sense the lost in her. she doesnt usually call my aunt if things are still mendable to her. its only when things get out of control and she feels like she's exploding.... and all that she wants is to talk to someone. since that the someone is usually not around for her lately... she turned to my aunt.

i respect my aunt alot. when we were in msia, she took care of us. one call from my mom in the middle of the night, she'd rush to us and see what she could do for us. she disciplined us, brought us out and did whatever she could to give us the best. i used to hate and fear her cos back then my brothers and i didnt understand why she had to scold and cane us. we'd try our very best to avoid her. but now... things have changed. and my mom knows that i'd only listen to my aunt cos she's the only one whom i believe makes the most sense out of everything.

my aunt told me to show respect to my mom. i dont know what makes her think that i didnt. maybe i've been raising my voice at my mom pretty often nowadays. she'd call me after work and check whether i'm going home or not. i find that so irritating cos it seems like she's checking on me every single day. but then again, come to think of it, i've done things resulting to her recent behavior. so who am i suppose to blame?

i do believe in karma. but i dont believe in me giving birth. so i was kinda nonchalant when my aunt told me to be good if not my children would treat me the way i treat my mom. blah blah blah. i'm not exactly that out of control you know. i just want to have my own life and be happy with it. but happy is never the word for me i guess. it comes with a price to pay. like i said before, i cant just live my life the way i want to. people around me are somehow involved too. i cant be selfish and ya da ya da ya da... i'd be the fucking nicest daughter that everyone wants me to. anyway they are right, no other mom would allow her daughter to go out in the middle of the night and not come home for days.

i'd do the right thing at the expense of my happiness. well then again what happiness is there to talk about.

sickening fucked up life
sickening people.
sickening me.

down down down

once again i'm feeling blue. since my period is here(thank god..it has been almost 1.5mth), i'd push the blame to the monthly pms.

it seems like i can never have what i want. as though that is not frustrating enough, i have ppl doubting what i want and questioning me stuff that i don't know how to ans. well...what kinda question is "why are you like that?" am i suppose to answer "because i'm not like this?" now that i'm alone, sitting in front of the com... reflecting on all the things that i've done and said, i realise that i'm not exactly free from all the wrongs and faults.

i've been very selfish.
i've dissapointed not only her but myself...in everyway.
i've hurt and upset her.
i've done nothing constructive.
basically i'm just the rotten apple.

sometimes i really hate how the world works. everyone is dependent on someone else. (if you know what i mean)

now that you are happy...
what about me???

personality

The True You

You want your girlfriend or boyfriend to be together with you always, no matter when or where.

With respect to money, you spend as little as possible.

You think good luck might come your way, but if it does you'll be so surprised you'll burst out laughing.

The hidden side of your personality tends to be satisfied to care for things with a minimal amount of effort.

You are the type of person who assumes that the world revolves around yourself.

When it comes to finding a romantic partner, you don't have any particular type in mind, but you are inclined to look for someone who will say yes when you ask him / her out.

Who's the True You?

Butch Hunt

yesterday's butch hunt review was eeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwww. gross. i checked the previous 2 batches of contestants and now i know the heaven and earth difference. the butches really suck right to the core. if esther is one of the best looking on stage, then i guess you ppl should know where the standard is. and come on! compare her with the 2 standing next to me on the dance floor last night..... she can just stand aside. i'd give her a mask to hide her freaking-act-cute-face. FULLSTOP.

anyway... i saw her last night. i had expected it. still i wasnt ready to make any eye contact or what so ever. most of the time, i'd either back face her or hide behind von/xh. the world is so freaking small. everyone knows everyone. xunhui's friend knows her gf. and stupid(more like insensitive) xh had to point at me and said "her ex" to her friend. gosh. eventhough it is the fact, i just simply dislike to associate to her like that. other than that, i'd really like to say hi to her or at least acknowledge her presence. its so uncool to be hiding whenever i bump into her (not like i always do... its just recently...). furthermore, why cant we be friend? i remember the last thing that she did for me after the break up was to offer me her cashcard to photocopy something.... and that was something i never mention to anyone. i mean its just sweet and nice of her to help me despite knowing that my friends and i had been bitching behind her back. well come to think of it... let's just call that the teenage years.. we were still young and not mature enough yet. maybe i'd be crazy enough to add her to my friendster, so she'll know that i'd like to befriend her. then again maybe not.

that aside, i still have no idea why i was upset yesterday. all of a sudden, i feel like i'm being crushed. its as though everything was on me and there was no room to run and i simply couldnt breathe at all. it was one of the moment when i'd feel so out of space. like i shouldnt exist. so much so that i'm a problem to those who are around me.

i told my mom about last night and how freaking slim olinda is now. i even showed her the butch hunt photos. apparenly we think the same. questions! questions! why is joey (this so call butch with long hair) in the contest? haha. perhaps von is right... they(the organisers) are too desperate. lol. oh do you know there is this other girl who is in the contest too.... obviously she had mistaken the butch hunt as the femme quest. haha :)

work

i met this stupid ( and i mean it when i say STOOOPID) office bitch at work today. kns. suan and i were supposed to do filing in this room where all the confidential documents are kept. in order to get into the room, one must have the tag card. as suan and me are just part timers, of cos we dont have one. i was about to call out to the girl in side to open the door (or rather gate, its the kind that you see in the show... ), and i saw this bitch walking towards us. obviously, she wanted to go into the room too. so i waited for her to open the gate instead of troubling the girl inside who was busy doing her work. the lady opened the gate, and i wanted to go in, but she turned around and asked me where i was from. i was caught off guard.WHAT THE FUCK??!! the first thing that came to my mind was "was she asking what sch i'm from" or "was she asking which department i'm from". if its the latter, then was she stupid or plain dumb?! the whole fucking level is under citibank and its the loan department! everyone is dealing with loans... and what kinda question was that?! still i hesistated to answer her. after 10 sec, i asked her what she meant by "where are we from" and stupidly, she repeated the same question. damn dumb leh! i was about to tell her ntu and then she asked who are we under.... kns... so this other guy in the room answered that for us... and that freaking bitch just had to call over to our in charge to DOUBLE check with him!!! what the HELL! I'VE BEEN IN THAT FUCKING ROOM THE WHOLE FUCKING MORNING. kns... she's such a bitch lor. as though suan and me would steal the documents inside?! (ya... maybe ar... steal some of james lye's clients' documents..) i thought she is some big shot in the department. the kind that owns a room to herself... well... turns out that she just a mother fucking OFFICE LADY who just has a SMALL DESK! just like anyone of US! kns! so what's the big deal man?!

ok that's it... i'm going to slp... am waking up at 2 to eat supper!!! hahaha....
for some strange reason... i miss eating supper... i miss waking up when the sun is down and slping when the sun is up... most importantly... i miss the bugg-obsessed one.

familiarity...

it all sounded so familiar.
the next second, i found myself relating it back to then.
speechless i was.
yet thousands of thoughts and memories were flashing randomly and continuosly in my head.
so many questions,
none with answer.
what else can i say?
its just life.
my life.
if this is all predestined,
then i will not fight anymore.
i'll succumb to Your plan.
cos i clearly remember
the last time that i tried,
it ended up just the same.
nothing is ever so perfect or fair.

i'm tired.
physically and mentally.
my body is aching all over.
traeh ym seod os

if this is the stop for me,
then its time that i alight.

bbq

i'm going bbq later. some kind of farewell party for the guys who are going tekong next week. i hope its fun. if it isnt, we can always play mahjong. mahjong never fails to entertain me. it is a good form of exercise for the brain and probably a good feeder to my pocket too. *wink*

im going jurong point with my mom to do some grocery shopping. actually i'm not really looking forward to it. the weather is hot and i'm freaking lazy. just woke up not long ago and i intend to rot at home until 6 plus. i'm having my periodic(once in half a year) severe flu. its always when i'm down with my flu then i realised i've finished my flu pills. damn it. another 6 plus is set aside for that. i've already finished one whole box of tissue paper. argh. having to blow my nose every 5 minutes is like a pain in the ass. as though that is not enough, i couldnt sleep at all in the night. i planned to slp at 11 but i ended up sleeping at 4 plus 5. kns.

flu flu go away, little janet wants to play..

job found!

i'm elated by my new found job! hooolalah... thanx to my dearest piggy. hehe. thousands of kisses for you!

SuAn called me when i just woke up at 2, telling me about this bank admin job that she had. i was so excited about that since neither bakerzin nor M hotel call me yet. hence i decided to go down to tanjong pagar with her for the interview. however, when i just got to the mrt station, i saw the missed call and msg that she left me. damn. it was not good at all. she said that the lady at kelly service (the job agency) informed her that they don't need anymore people. walao... i got quite worked up! what a waste of my time, effort and money (well i've gotten into the station and i even boarded the train). disappointed, i walked home. and that was not just it! when i was about to open my gate, suan called again. she comfirmed with me that they still want to hire. walao! another wasted trip under that bright freaking hot sun! i was perspiring like a cold drink condensing on a table. kns. nevertheless, i made another trip down to the train station again to meet suan. everything went well at tanjong pagar. before we reached there, they already comfirmed the both of us. therefore, there wasnt much pressure. but i was really touched by what suan did. the lady from kelly service (samantha) asked her whether i'm reliable or not and all that suan said was a big fat enthusiastic affirmation "OF COS LAH!". i was so fucking touched! it feels so good to know that someone actually backed you up. anyway, we had a few typing tests since we are going to work in the admin side. that was when the pressure set in. after that, samantha briefed us through all the contracts, rules, pay and blah blah blah...

so.... i'm going to start working next monday! how cool and exciting! 6 buckies an hour, monday to friday and i got to work with suan! what a dream job. oh and i get to collect my pay weekly. hehe.

florence from bakerzin just called. i rejected her : P

fook seng

we didnt eat at bukit timah. instead, we went to fook seng which is somewhere behind nus. i'm so going to bitch bout that darn indian muslim stall. a big fat KANASAI man! how could i forget about their lousy service?! the first time we went to patronise them, we ordered 2 ice milos and it took them ages to bring the drinks to us. and this time round, i waited impatiently for my food (they were really a bunch of slow cockcroaches) and they screwed up the orders too. to piss me even further, they totally forgot about my order! i had to go to the counter again to check with the boss. i have absolutely no idea why i wanted to go back to them. it was definitely a huge mistake! so having said that, there wont be a next time for me anymore. and do take my advice, pls do go and eat there k.

another day of blogging

things between my mom and i got better each day. she no longer calls me a hundred times when i'm away, she talks to me nicely and most importantly she listens to me. so it just proves that i should not hide things from her : ) anyway, von and i had lunch at dan's today and i brought home a tuna wrap ("courtesy" of von) for my mom. i asked von to leave a note on the paper bag for her, just like what xh did the last time she tabao supper for my mom. she(my mom) was so pleased and not surprisingly, she is quite fond of xh now. haha. so i guess my mom likes von too cos she kept smiling at me after she read the message. my mom is a true blue sucker for little sweet deeds like this.

i'm going bukit timah for supper again. the malay stall there is great man. we always order the same old dishes. gosh... i hope i'm not going to gain another kg as a result of my late nite supper. well then again, unintentionally, i've been cutting down on the number of meals i take everyday. i only wake up in the afternoon which means i've already missed my breakfast and lunch. on top of that, sometimes, i'd lose appetite for dinner for whatever reasons. so supper is the only meal that i eat for that day : ) hmmm... i hope the next time i look at the weighing scale, i'd see the needle pointing at 52 or less and nothing more.

a little high

i'm feeling pretty high all day long despite the fact that my mom was angry with me in the morning :) anyhow, i decided to come clean with her and boy... i was a little surprised towards her reaction. hmm.... i guess my mom could be reasonable at times too. we had a long chat... about everything. though i was exhausted and sleepy, i made an effort to keep myself awake so that i can spend more quality time with her.

shortest chalet

i'm home.

finally i've submitted all the documents to the msia high com. the guy at the counter was really helpful. half the time i wasnt really sure what i was supposed to do.so he took the time to explain to me and i think i took the longest time to fill up, photocopy and submit my stuff to him. anyway, the malaysia government really knows how to "extort" money from its ppl. it costs 20 cent to photocopy one piece of paper over there.kns..my mom just made me realise that i did something pretty stupid. i handed in my birth cert without having one copy for myself. argh. hopefully they'd return it to me when i go down on the 13th to collect my letter of renunciation. anyhow, i'm just glad that i'm done with it.

argh tired! i'm not going to wake up early in the morning for this hol anymore!