Yes... I've finally managed to get back my blogspot account =)

I will be strong

A lady should have a mind of her own, no matter how much she yearns for happiness in life. No lady should bow to her man simply because all she wants is to be loved by him. Nah, definitely not my style. Pride? Perhaps it is. On the other hand, I think that it is a way to safe guard yourself from being consumed by his world. That you no longer have a say in the life that you want. If you give in once, there will be a second time, third .... it will never end.

I live my own life. Even if I have to suck it up to lead a lonesome life, I jolly well will.

tired

I'm so drained.

I need a change. Something that can make myself happy. Something that is a little more meaningful.

It's blue moon time

I didn't think that I would ever blog again. Well what can a person do when she feels that she simply has nothing else to do. I don't actually think anyone would pick up reading my blog anyway.

Baby has been away for a few days and I have just gotten back from wherever. I thought I would spend my long weekend at home, as in home home. My mom had to surprise me with a "hey we're going back to Msia for a whole long week". The lesson learnt was never assume that people will be there for you when you are available. As though it was not enough, my dear XH is going for some kelong trip with Char. Thank goodness I still have my bestie.

I realised that as time passes, those friends that you have are just those handful one. How pathetic can one's life be? Or is this simply just the norm. People are just too busy to maintain friendships. I would love to have tons of people to be around with. Unfortunately, the truth is that sometimes I do think it is tiring. There are people whom you feel like meeting, there are people whom you know you should meet and there are those whom you just happened to meet. Oh and I nearly forgot, there are people whom you WANT to meet. A whole list.... yet the tiny winy part of me feels much more contented if I can just meet that very person that I am missing now.

It does suck because a year have gone pass and things have taken drastic change. I feel like I have become a person who doesn't mind waiting for her happiness to come home. Damn. What have I become?

Over. or not.

When you thought that everything was over, that you have gotten your closure, that you have move on with life....but it is never the case.

I think I will always be haunted by these weird feelings. It has been a part of me. As much as I hate to admit it, I have always been avoiding the need to confront the truth. I would rather die than to cry over an episode of depression because I subjected myself to it.

I can't say that I don't understand why I am the way I am because I know very well. And it is so hard to even try to live in denial that I am all right. That life is perfectly fine for me. Yes it sure is in certain aspect but then who else knows what is really going on in me?

Yet again, I have committed a silly mistake. The same old one.

Fun quiz

I'm just ba long long-ing... hahaha... okie.. so while i enjoy myself, i guess i can afford to do nonsensical thing like answering the following question. This actually facilitates you or me in knowing myself a tiny winy bit better :)



1.What have you been doing recently?
Sleep, exercise, ba long long (unbelievable).

2.Do you ever turn your cellphone (darling) off?
No. just don have the habit to. i have a need to stay "connected" or contactable... whichever.


3.What happened at 10am today?
I wash "ironging bedsheet" (shhhh....)

4.When did you last cry?
Last Friday. Some asshole was complaining the need for equality in the standard that was set by this organisation. oh well... like i said, asshole who cannot come into terms with reality.

5.Believe in fate/destiny?
Fate is a joke. I mould my own destiny.

6.What do you want in your life now?
A good career, Happy, Prestige.


11.Do you tend to make a relationship complicated?
All the time. I just don't understand myself.

12.Are you wearing anything you borrowed from someone?
Nope. Ownership is important :)


13.What was the last movie you caught?
High School Musical 3!!!! (ey... same as Fia.)


14.Does the person know that you like him/her?
I definitely know that I like myself *wink*


15.Who always makes you laugh?
My friends. no one in particular.


16.Do you speak languages other than english?
I can speak Mandarin and Cantonese fluently. Malay- conversational. and I tried spanish and french, unfortunately I have returned these languages to those who taught me. =(


17.Favourite website(s)?
FACEBOOK

19.What are you doing tomorrow?
NASSA swim test.


20.What do you think you are like?
A strong minded career woman that men can't deal well with.


21.Who will you choose to die with?
I wanted to say my mom... but i dont want her to die...


22.Where have you been today?
Library


23.What game do you play often?
I dont play...


24 .Who are you missing right now?
My friends. like seriously. most of them. and my family.


25.If you had to chose between a friend and a lover, who will you chose?
For now, friend.


26.What are you doing right now?
Ba long long lor.


27.Which primary school are you from?
Stamford P.S.


28.Name 3 colours that you like.
Purple and Black. Just 2.


29.What emoticon do you like to show?
*_*


30.What is your life to you?
My pride and my passion.

31.If you have something troubling you, what will you do?
Just whine to someone. I'm really good at that ;)

32.Who did you last chat with on msn today?
I haven't logged onto msn for days!


33 .Who do you admire most?
Can't think of anyone in particular... gorgeous women probably.


34 .Which month were you born in?
May.


35.How are you feeling right now?
In the mood to ba long long.


36.What is the time now?
1507hrs


37.What kind of person do you think the one who tagged you is?
Absolutely no idea.


38.What colour did you use to dye hair?
Blonde, red and brown.


39.Why are you doing this test?
Am bored.


40.What do you do when you're moody?
Sleep. its the best way to stay away from any conflicts.


41.At which age you wish to get married?
Marriage does not come with numbers.


42.Who is more important to you?
Honestly, my mom. She's the Janet's savior.


43.If today is the last day of your life, what will you do?
Fly to virginia to look at snow.


44.Who is the person you trust the most?
My mom lah...that's why she has my card.


45.Do you believe in seeing a rainbow after a rain?
Why not? isnt it a natural phenomenon.

46.If you have a dream come true, what would it be?
That I am a successful rich gorgeous career woman with lots of love!

47.What is your goal for this year?
Commission!!!


48.Do you believe in eternity love?
I believe in lust more.


49.What feeling do you love most?
Orgasm. What?!

50.Do you really think its Global Warming now?
duh... its always so hot.

51.What feeling do you hate the most?
Inadequate. That people always try to put me down!

52.You like doing quizes?
I dont mind when i have nothing to do.


53.Do you believe in God?
As a matter of fact, I do.

54.Who cares for you most?
My mom and dad.

55.What do you think is the most important thing in your life?
My mom and just being happy i guess.


56.What will you bring when you fight?
My phone to call the police. oh well if i have to beat someone up... I'll just slap that person. Feels shiok.

57.What have you regretted doing in your whole life?
Seriously... I wanted to say certain decisions. But... life would have been different if I had made a different call. Just live the best out of whatever is presented to me.


58.What would you do if nobody cared for you any longer?
Walao... suck it up and be strong lah.


59.What if your boyfriend/girlfriend two-timed you?
erm... i make sure i two time that person first.

Thoughts

With training coming to an end, I can't help but to think about my journey thus far. I can't say that it was smooth sailing as though the wind has always been on my side. But, BMT is definitely my happiest moment throughout the different phases of training.

I have been blessed with dedicated instructors who believed in moulding their soldiers right from the basic. I held on tightly the memories of the 20 of us fighting hard regardless of any challenges. The laughter and the down moments we shared felt like it was just yesterday. Training aside, I am truly glad that I have made friends that will last me for a life time. Friends who did not only fight along with me but friends who actually instructed me throughout my "infant" months.

Anyhow, it was only my days in mids that I experienced the true hardship of naval training. Not so much on the physical component but rather the mental part. I struggled hard to stay alive and my effort paid off. I guess if I really have to pin point on something that I wish I had done better, that would be to start afresh and seriously put in my best to excel and not just to overcome. Easier said than done. Most of the time, I just struggled to meet the deadlines. It came to a point that I almost couldn't take it. I was so near to breaking down. On top of this, there's always the issue of people relationship. Being the only female is not easy. The frequency is never in tune. People became insensitive, on the other hand I got more sensitive and wuahlah.... conflicts.

I just want to be me. Pride, Passion, Positive Attitude, Prestige. Don't doubt and don't question why. I'll do what I am supposed to do. Give a little respect and I will return it to you. Unfortunately, I guess guys will always think that this whole organisation is a bull shit and I have not seen its true side. For whatever reasons they might cite, I have chosen my path and I would very much love to stay as planned.

Reflection

I have always felt strongly about my values in life.

1. Have pride in everything I do and do them all to the best effort that I can. I don't deny that I have high expectations on myself and sometimes it gets too stressful for me to handle.
2. Be passionate about everything. Love what I'm doing and do what I love.
3. Be positive about everything. Even when shit is thrown at you, there's lesson to be learnt, so that it won't be thrown at you the next time.
4. Chase after the prestige in life. It is subjective. Channel may be prestigious but it's not what I want. Probably all I want is just to be an officer. it may not be a prestige for many others but i'd like to think otherwise.

So when was the last time that I remind myself of my course here? I can't recall. My 4 Ps was constantly teased or mocked by others. I just don't get it. Perhaps it is due to the difference in maturity level. It may be naive to them but so what? I have always believed in the fact that everyone has a different agenda in life. You may be in the same business as I am but are we chasing after the same thing? Most probably not. I love money but that does not mean that I'm in for the Pay. But why do they have to put a test on me by passing comments such as adding another P into my value, Pay. First of all it is not funny at all. Second, it simply shows the lack of respect you have for me.

It made me question is it because I have spent too long a time with them, therefore they feel too comfortable around me and they are allowed to say nasty insensitive things to me. I haven't been feeling too good around certain someone whom I have always thought is a nice person to be around with.... until recently. His insensitivity is beyond comprehension. Absolutely little regard was shown towards my feeling. fuck. Guys love saying suck it up, likewise all I could do was just fucking suck up the tears that I had in my heart.

It's not easy. It's fucking hard. I constantly have to battle against all the tests. It seriously is mentally draining. Guess what? not that its an excuse at all, but I'm burnt out. I've told a handful of people, some thinks that I'm joking. Others just think that I'm whining or they think that I am still capable of pushing on. Of which all three could jolly well hold some level of truth.

What have led me off trail? Why isnt the passion as strong? Where have my pride gone to? I can't stand people putting down what I believe in. I can't stand people saying that they don't have a choice in this when I CHOOSE to be here. I can't stand the little effort that they put in. I can't stand the hypocracy in some of them.

I'm learning how to cope. I'm doing whatever possible to make my stay a little happier, a little tolerable. No seriously, it shouldnt be this way. I'm just fucking learning to be the best that I can. I want to do this well so that I can prove my stay is worth while or rathe I am worthy to be here. There is little room for my species to make mistake here. Yet more often than not, I feel that the guys think lightly of me. Have I been over sensitive?

It's not gonna be any easier. If I don't learn how to work with these people, if I don't learn to handle my emotion properly, the ultimate loser is gonna be me. As difficult as these all can be, I have to take up the challenge, overcome them and perhaps excel in everything that I do. After all, is this not what I want in a career? Challenging so that I can have great sense of achivement? If I can't handle it then I have failed myself terribly.

my belief as of now

I never stray too far from the side walk,
I learn to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt,
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me.

So that was what I have been doing. So true. It was a sorrowful Saturday. A Saturday that made me find back my true self. One much needed Saturday.

Looking at how hurt my friend was, I couldn't help but to reflect on my actions. I wanted to move on with life which I did, but never entirely. I love myself too deep to want to risk losing everything and being vulnerable again. Without even realising, I have made a promise to myself that never again will I allow myself to be in such a sorrowful state whereby I will get pissed drunk, venting anger at my own stupidity for falling into the abyss which many of us term as love.

Honestly, I hate everything about that four letters word. I'm 100% a cynic when it comes to that. It is not even myself that cause all these. It is what that has been happening around me that made this a concrete fact that it hurts too much. I can't stand the sight of people crying, questioning and even doubting themselves.

So my solution is- if you don't want to be a loser, don't try to be a winner in the first place. That is the safest bet and be contented about it. There are so much more to life than trying to find someone to share it with you.

At the end of the day, I sent out a msg which I don't regret doing. I just haven't found the right time and probably the much needed courage to make a sound explanation. Truth to be told is I would very much prefer to avoid everything and lead my life as usual, disappearing from one's life. I mean, just pretend that I vanish into thin air. I never say that I am an angel.

Life is amazingly unpredictable. Growing up, I always aspire to be someone who is surrounded by brands, nice looking clothes, stylish hair and what not. It is simply just me. Then I made a decision that completely changed me. I don't see a need in going shopping so often anymore. What other hairstyle can I have? Branded goods? Quite a waste of money actually.

I feel detached. Sometimes I don't even know what is in style or what is showing in the cinema. I am lost in the world out there. All I want is just a good rest before the new week hits me. Even at times when I'm out I wish I have a more interesting life like how I used to have. I enjoy tanning and would love to visit Sentosa in my hot bikinis. All these are luxuries now. I don't even see my friends that often anymore. It is saddening. But everyone has different agenda in their life. While my friends may want to persue something great in the banking finance or accounting industry, I see a more meaningful career somewhere else.

They say you can't have the best of both worlds. In life there are bound to be sacrifices and all that you can do is to pray that the sacrifice which you made is worth the journey.

I do think that my journey has been a very fruitful and meaningful one thus far. It is something that I love and enjoy, though I may fear of the unknown future. Stories of seniors suffering scare me but not enough to waver my decision.

Anyhow... thought I'd just pen down my thoughts. pretty random.

Announcement!!!

Please add me back onto your msn. Someone hacked into my account and I lost all contacts. Thank you. vic_posh

4Ps

Have you ever wanted something so much that you push yourself so hard. Trying so hard to do the best that you can do. But how long can a person last? I believe as long as it takes. Sadly, there are times when you feel a little burn out or rather at the verge of burning out. You just want to sit back, relax and recap what you have done so far. Everthing is well worth it, continue pushing is not a choice but a must. When you're tired, take a look at the people next to you, fate brought you all together. He was there to encourage you, pull you along and affirm your capability. Take a look at your ever so beloved fun loving teammates. They were the very people standing by you, your pillar, your support when you made the silliest mistake. Take a look at your friends out there who believe that you can make it through the rain and emerge as a well honoured person that you dream to be. Take a look at your parents who take pride in you, offering help in anyway that they can. Your mom does your laundry and iron each and every pieces of them even the very piece that you wear to bed. Your dad ferries you without fail every week even if he has to miss his tv programme. The last thing in your mind is to let them and yourself down.
Pride, Passion, Prestige and Positive Attitude.

Chilling out at Walawala

I'm beginning to love Shirlyn. She's one true talented artist. That is why I enjoy chilling out at Walawala just to listen to her band perform. I bought her album, good music. It's never a waste of money to support local artist! hehe.

My CLM Term in Sierra

Training has been "cope-able". So far the toughest one was the 5k endurance run on the rollar coaster route. Well surprisingly I mangaged to come close to the guys timing at 25.30min. Sometimes I'm really amazed with my own performance. Take for instance my 2.4 run for IPPT, my timing was a personal record breaking thus far, 11.17min! At the rate that I'm training, I think I can hit under 11min, unfortunately I'll be going over to the mids wing next Monday where they train the brain more than physically. Oh well... I shall see what's going to happen next :)

Adapting to Sierra Wing itself is by far the greatest challenge, surprisingly. I don't mind doing circuit trainings, endurace runs, route marches and what not. Those are just momentary challenges whereby I know I can endure and overcome in a short period of time. On the contrary, the new culture that I have to get used to frustrates me alot. At one point in time, I almost gave up. I just hid in the cupboard and cried my lungs out. In fact, I was so emotionally affected that I was tearing while doing my IPPT. I had to come up with stupid unbelievable (yet believable enough for the rest) reason like I'm having a flu. What made the whole situation worse was the fact that my dear Tango instructors were cheering us while we were running our 2.4k. My ex-PC even ran with me for the last stretch. I was simply taken away. Sometimes "culture" like this is too hard for anyone to give up and adapt to another one that is of the total opposite. I have a Tango instructor who talked to me at the cookhouse and upon knowing that I was so upset with my CLM, he came over to be my para councilor (haha) that very night. Yet another little event that I cannot be more thankful to him because that very talk changed my perspective of CLM in a new wing. Even though certain things remain unchanged in the wing, I'm happier now as I have learnt to take things lightly.

Come what may, I'll still be the positive passionate girl. I love what I'm doing and more importantly I enjoy what I'm doing. Perhaps that is why I never dreaded confinement. In fact, I feel lost when I'm out of camp.

Oh just in case I forgot about my confident jump whereby I had to jump into the pool from the platform 10m above ground in my long four. It was an excellent jump I must say. hehe. Damn proud of myself because according to my peers, my wing2 clapped for me. Woohoo..what else could beat that? Not only that, my instructors also praised me. If you're wondering what the hell I did to deserve all that... I just shouted, "I, Officer Cadet Blah blah am ready for my confident jump, SIR!" with GUSTO. Beat the guys... hehehe...

There's the chemical defense ex. Awesome experience.

Lotsa lectures and talks on leadership, motivations and some othere modules, whereby I knocked out more often than BMT. Strange. Perhaps it is because there's "motivation" during BMT. haha.

I iron bedsheet most of the time now. Even he was surprised with the frequency of me ironing bedsheet. By the way, iron bedsheet = sleeping when you're not supposed to. That term just sound nicer and others who do not know might really think that you're doing some bunk cleaning since our bedsheet is supposed to be damn straight during stand by bunk. It's kinda sad cos it simply means I'm always hiding in my room. There's little bonding done in the common area like how my BMT was like. The girls love hanging out at the common area singing, doing nonsensical stuff, eating at the kitchenette or along the corridor packing, cleaning etc. Even if we were in the room, we were seldom alone. I don't step out of my bunk so often now. And when I'm in my bunk, either I study, sms or iron bedsheet. More often than not, I only do the last 2. haha.

Speaking of which, I'm just going to do that right now. Tomorrow there's 16k route march and I highly suspect that there's going to be casevacing! I need my 7 hours of sleep and I will have that tonight since my phone has been unusually quiet. Strange strange strange.

Be Somebody!

The Bottom Line
You have the passionate determination that you need to make anything happen today.

In Detail
Hold onto your dreams and don't let go! You can't let anyone tell you that what you want won't ever happen. You have the passionate determination you need to make anything happen, and you don't need naysayers bringing you down right now. Stand firm. You want what you want, so give it everything you've got. Even if it looks hopeless, as long as you have hope in your heart, hope survives! You have a vision of what you want the next year of your life to be. Go out and make it happen.


I WANT TO BE A NAVAL OFFICER!

---------------------------------------------
Disclaimer:
Read the following with a pinch of salt.

As much as it scares me, like seriously, I feel annoyingly stranded. I'm booking in tomorrow, my apprehension is driving me crazy and I badly need to talk to somebody. Not just anybody but that person.

I'm starting to believe in this theory of conversation, let's call it the Art of Persuit. It was initially introduced to me by a fellow friend when I was in NTU year 1. So the theory goes like this, if you're interested in someone, just msn or sms that person everyday. You don't have to make it look as though you're very aggressive. Just a simple good morning will do or ask that person how his/her day has been, yadayada... the what not. If that person replies, and you have a conversation, good for you. If not, do not be put down. Continue doing so for at least a week or so, then stop completely. Eventually the person will feel weird not hearing from you. Unknowingly, he/she got hooked on to your little conversation and might just msg you back.

That said, I think I've fallen into this little scheming trap. argh.

On a lighter note, at least I am aware of it. After much careful analysis, I conclude that my urge of talking to that person is not of no basis or purely the result of the Art of Persuit. The reasons are as follow:

He understands what I am going through. He is at the best position to give me any advice that I need. I do not have to wait long for his reply. He has his weird way of calming me down when I realised I misplaced my ocs collar pin. He is positive with my decisions and my doings.

Of course, there's always the Art of Persuit... if he's online, he will be talking to me. We should be talking at this time.

Torn

I found reasons to go back to camp now.

I suddenly woke up from a deep sleep staring at my ceiling wondering what the fuck was wrong the whole week. I've been partying like I have never partied for my entire life. I drank and drank and drank. Though I must admit the best party was the one that I attended on Thursday simply because the people there were more pleasing to my sensitive eyes. Anyhow that is besides the point.

I feel jaded, a little bit fucked up. I have the compulsion need of destroying myself. Like seriously. I can picture myself squating at a corner smoking my lungs away. Screw my stamina, screw the speed. Just screwed everything that I've built so far. Cos part of me just could fucking care less.

It took 9 weeks to be a goodie good girl but 1 to be the total opposite. So time for me to go back to camp. I need to be focus now.

Not excuses at all!

I just want to live my life. I don't fucking care what others think and say anymore. If you think that I'm remotely interested in you, good for you. Booze your ego as much as you want. I'm only human to fancy someone but it doesnt mean I want to marry you, live happily ever after with you or even explore your holy part that leads you to lalaland.

And says who you're the only person that I fancy?! Like seriously?

Great! That said... I can do whatever I want.

Oh.. ps: I'm going back to camp... going back into the cupboard. OH SO SAD!

Ever experience the feeling of having something undone lingering around? It is a little sour and annoyingly irritating. It could possibly drive you nuts too. Simply because one moment it brings you all the way high up to the moon, another minute you just feel like tugging yourself real tight inside your thick feather blanket alone.

It is silly to feel the sense of loss but I'm only human.

Fuck. This is gonna be my fucking last time talking about it. Bloody... get a life man.

Orgasm

You don't need to have sex to experience orgasm. Trust me. Cos I had mine today while I was on the court. hehe. Training was awesome. I have no idea how the hell I anticipated all the balls. It was shocking for me because I had this little voice in my head telling me where the next pass will go to. I could actually read a game. GOSH. And each ball that I intercepted, each sigh that the opponent released was an orgasmic experience for me. No kidding.

Then this girl from Nike team asked me if I was from any club. I told her that I was from Clique. Her reply was, "You should go for the NSL selection. I'm sure you'll get in." OMG. What a compliment.

I just want to relive that moment.

Absence Makes The Heart Grow Fonder?

Absence doesn't always make the heart grow fonder. If it does, then long distance relationship will not have such a high failure rate. The heart will only grow fonder if you don't see the other party for awhile. Anything more than awhile, the heart is not strong enough to resist other temptations. Or in this case...

I realised if you turn your heart to cold stone, certain things do fade. With enough determination and perseverance, something can be kept in control and be locked up somewhere. When it is long enough, that thing just disappears.

I'm having difficulties putting fate and chasing after one's dream together. I used to think that if it is really fated, things will just fall in place nicely. No matter what. Likewise, if you're not fated, then no matter how hard you try chasing after something... it just won't work. So the point is, don't bother. Why fight for something that you can own temporary and have a hard time getting over it when you lose it in the end?

My logical arguement.

So the heart does not grow fonder but loses sight of the one who used to make it fond.