I will be strong

A lady should have a mind of her own, no matter how much she yearns for happiness in life. No lady should bow to her man simply because all she wants is to be loved by him. Nah, definitely not my style. Pride? Perhaps it is. On the other hand, I think that it is a way to safe guard yourself from being consumed by his world. That you no longer have a say in the life that you want. If you give in once, there will be a second time, third .... it will never end.

I live my own life. Even if I have to suck it up to lead a lonesome life, I jolly well will.

tired

I'm so drained.

I need a change. Something that can make myself happy. Something that is a little more meaningful.

It's blue moon time

I didn't think that I would ever blog again. Well what can a person do when she feels that she simply has nothing else to do. I don't actually think anyone would pick up reading my blog anyway.

Baby has been away for a few days and I have just gotten back from wherever. I thought I would spend my long weekend at home, as in home home. My mom had to surprise me with a "hey we're going back to Msia for a whole long week". The lesson learnt was never assume that people will be there for you when you are available. As though it was not enough, my dear XH is going for some kelong trip with Char. Thank goodness I still have my bestie.

I realised that as time passes, those friends that you have are just those handful one. How pathetic can one's life be? Or is this simply just the norm. People are just too busy to maintain friendships. I would love to have tons of people to be around with. Unfortunately, the truth is that sometimes I do think it is tiring. There are people whom you feel like meeting, there are people whom you know you should meet and there are those whom you just happened to meet. Oh and I nearly forgot, there are people whom you WANT to meet. A whole list.... yet the tiny winy part of me feels much more contented if I can just meet that very person that I am missing now.

It does suck because a year have gone pass and things have taken drastic change. I feel like I have become a person who doesn't mind waiting for her happiness to come home. Damn. What have I become?

Over. or not.

When you thought that everything was over, that you have gotten your closure, that you have move on with life....but it is never the case.

I think I will always be haunted by these weird feelings. It has been a part of me. As much as I hate to admit it, I have always been avoiding the need to confront the truth. I would rather die than to cry over an episode of depression because I subjected myself to it.

I can't say that I don't understand why I am the way I am because I know very well. And it is so hard to even try to live in denial that I am all right. That life is perfectly fine for me. Yes it sure is in certain aspect but then who else knows what is really going on in me?

Yet again, I have committed a silly mistake. The same old one.

Fun quiz

I'm just ba long long-ing... hahaha... okie.. so while i enjoy myself, i guess i can afford to do nonsensical thing like answering the following question. This actually facilitates you or me in knowing myself a tiny winy bit better :)



1.What have you been doing recently?
Sleep, exercise, ba long long (unbelievable).

2.Do you ever turn your cellphone (darling) off?
No. just don have the habit to. i have a need to stay "connected" or contactable... whichever.


3.What happened at 10am today?
I wash "ironging bedsheet" (shhhh....)

4.When did you last cry?
Last Friday. Some asshole was complaining the need for equality in the standard that was set by this organisation. oh well... like i said, asshole who cannot come into terms with reality.

5.Believe in fate/destiny?
Fate is a joke. I mould my own destiny.

6.What do you want in your life now?
A good career, Happy, Prestige.


11.Do you tend to make a relationship complicated?
All the time. I just don't understand myself.

12.Are you wearing anything you borrowed from someone?
Nope. Ownership is important :)


13.What was the last movie you caught?
High School Musical 3!!!! (ey... same as Fia.)


14.Does the person know that you like him/her?
I definitely know that I like myself *wink*


15.Who always makes you laugh?
My friends. no one in particular.


16.Do you speak languages other than english?
I can speak Mandarin and Cantonese fluently. Malay- conversational. and I tried spanish and french, unfortunately I have returned these languages to those who taught me. =(


17.Favourite website(s)?
FACEBOOK

19.What are you doing tomorrow?
NASSA swim test.


20.What do you think you are like?
A strong minded career woman that men can't deal well with.


21.Who will you choose to die with?
I wanted to say my mom... but i dont want her to die...


22.Where have you been today?
Library


23.What game do you play often?
I dont play...


24 .Who are you missing right now?
My friends. like seriously. most of them. and my family.


25.If you had to chose between a friend and a lover, who will you chose?
For now, friend.


26.What are you doing right now?
Ba long long lor.


27.Which primary school are you from?
Stamford P.S.


28.Name 3 colours that you like.
Purple and Black. Just 2.


29.What emoticon do you like to show?
*_*


30.What is your life to you?
My pride and my passion.

31.If you have something troubling you, what will you do?
Just whine to someone. I'm really good at that ;)

32.Who did you last chat with on msn today?
I haven't logged onto msn for days!


33 .Who do you admire most?
Can't think of anyone in particular... gorgeous women probably.


34 .Which month were you born in?
May.


35.How are you feeling right now?
In the mood to ba long long.


36.What is the time now?
1507hrs


37.What kind of person do you think the one who tagged you is?
Absolutely no idea.


38.What colour did you use to dye hair?
Blonde, red and brown.


39.Why are you doing this test?
Am bored.


40.What do you do when you're moody?
Sleep. its the best way to stay away from any conflicts.


41.At which age you wish to get married?
Marriage does not come with numbers.


42.Who is more important to you?
Honestly, my mom. She's the Janet's savior.


43.If today is the last day of your life, what will you do?
Fly to virginia to look at snow.


44.Who is the person you trust the most?
My mom lah...that's why she has my card.


45.Do you believe in seeing a rainbow after a rain?
Why not? isnt it a natural phenomenon.

46.If you have a dream come true, what would it be?
That I am a successful rich gorgeous career woman with lots of love!

47.What is your goal for this year?
Commission!!!


48.Do you believe in eternity love?
I believe in lust more.


49.What feeling do you love most?
Orgasm. What?!

50.Do you really think its Global Warming now?
duh... its always so hot.

51.What feeling do you hate the most?
Inadequate. That people always try to put me down!

52.You like doing quizes?
I dont mind when i have nothing to do.


53.Do you believe in God?
As a matter of fact, I do.

54.Who cares for you most?
My mom and dad.

55.What do you think is the most important thing in your life?
My mom and just being happy i guess.


56.What will you bring when you fight?
My phone to call the police. oh well if i have to beat someone up... I'll just slap that person. Feels shiok.

57.What have you regretted doing in your whole life?
Seriously... I wanted to say certain decisions. But... life would have been different if I had made a different call. Just live the best out of whatever is presented to me.


58.What would you do if nobody cared for you any longer?
Walao... suck it up and be strong lah.


59.What if your boyfriend/girlfriend two-timed you?
erm... i make sure i two time that person first.

Thoughts

With training coming to an end, I can't help but to think about my journey thus far. I can't say that it was smooth sailing as though the wind has always been on my side. But, BMT is definitely my happiest moment throughout the different phases of training.

I have been blessed with dedicated instructors who believed in moulding their soldiers right from the basic. I held on tightly the memories of the 20 of us fighting hard regardless of any challenges. The laughter and the down moments we shared felt like it was just yesterday. Training aside, I am truly glad that I have made friends that will last me for a life time. Friends who did not only fight along with me but friends who actually instructed me throughout my "infant" months.

Anyhow, it was only my days in mids that I experienced the true hardship of naval training. Not so much on the physical component but rather the mental part. I struggled hard to stay alive and my effort paid off. I guess if I really have to pin point on something that I wish I had done better, that would be to start afresh and seriously put in my best to excel and not just to overcome. Easier said than done. Most of the time, I just struggled to meet the deadlines. It came to a point that I almost couldn't take it. I was so near to breaking down. On top of this, there's always the issue of people relationship. Being the only female is not easy. The frequency is never in tune. People became insensitive, on the other hand I got more sensitive and wuahlah.... conflicts.

I just want to be me. Pride, Passion, Positive Attitude, Prestige. Don't doubt and don't question why. I'll do what I am supposed to do. Give a little respect and I will return it to you. Unfortunately, I guess guys will always think that this whole organisation is a bull shit and I have not seen its true side. For whatever reasons they might cite, I have chosen my path and I would very much love to stay as planned.

Reflection

I have always felt strongly about my values in life.

1. Have pride in everything I do and do them all to the best effort that I can. I don't deny that I have high expectations on myself and sometimes it gets too stressful for me to handle.
2. Be passionate about everything. Love what I'm doing and do what I love.
3. Be positive about everything. Even when shit is thrown at you, there's lesson to be learnt, so that it won't be thrown at you the next time.
4. Chase after the prestige in life. It is subjective. Channel may be prestigious but it's not what I want. Probably all I want is just to be an officer. it may not be a prestige for many others but i'd like to think otherwise.

So when was the last time that I remind myself of my course here? I can't recall. My 4 Ps was constantly teased or mocked by others. I just don't get it. Perhaps it is due to the difference in maturity level. It may be naive to them but so what? I have always believed in the fact that everyone has a different agenda in life. You may be in the same business as I am but are we chasing after the same thing? Most probably not. I love money but that does not mean that I'm in for the Pay. But why do they have to put a test on me by passing comments such as adding another P into my value, Pay. First of all it is not funny at all. Second, it simply shows the lack of respect you have for me.

It made me question is it because I have spent too long a time with them, therefore they feel too comfortable around me and they are allowed to say nasty insensitive things to me. I haven't been feeling too good around certain someone whom I have always thought is a nice person to be around with.... until recently. His insensitivity is beyond comprehension. Absolutely little regard was shown towards my feeling. fuck. Guys love saying suck it up, likewise all I could do was just fucking suck up the tears that I had in my heart.

It's not easy. It's fucking hard. I constantly have to battle against all the tests. It seriously is mentally draining. Guess what? not that its an excuse at all, but I'm burnt out. I've told a handful of people, some thinks that I'm joking. Others just think that I'm whining or they think that I am still capable of pushing on. Of which all three could jolly well hold some level of truth.

What have led me off trail? Why isnt the passion as strong? Where have my pride gone to? I can't stand people putting down what I believe in. I can't stand people saying that they don't have a choice in this when I CHOOSE to be here. I can't stand the little effort that they put in. I can't stand the hypocracy in some of them.

I'm learning how to cope. I'm doing whatever possible to make my stay a little happier, a little tolerable. No seriously, it shouldnt be this way. I'm just fucking learning to be the best that I can. I want to do this well so that I can prove my stay is worth while or rathe I am worthy to be here. There is little room for my species to make mistake here. Yet more often than not, I feel that the guys think lightly of me. Have I been over sensitive?

It's not gonna be any easier. If I don't learn how to work with these people, if I don't learn to handle my emotion properly, the ultimate loser is gonna be me. As difficult as these all can be, I have to take up the challenge, overcome them and perhaps excel in everything that I do. After all, is this not what I want in a career? Challenging so that I can have great sense of achivement? If I can't handle it then I have failed myself terribly.