ever since the morning, while i was still half-consciously asleep, my mom has been playing all the oldies. and you know most oldies are like the lovey dovery kind which totally sinks my heart further. why did they compose so many heart breaking songs back in the 70s? comparing the old ones and the contemplary ones, i prefer the former. i think i can better relate myself to them. oh well... its not important whether you know or not. anyway, whatever on this site is not important at all. its just a space for me to let out my thoughts at the moment. so i might say certain things at certain time, it does not necessarry mean that im serious bout it.
ok this part i mean it:
i enjoy every minute that i spend with dearie. i could blabber on and on.. she understood what i said. there were times when i was tired of talking, when silent sank in, it wasnt weird at all. you know what i mean? it was all so natural. like we could ease ourself, just enjoy the silent between us. whether our minds were far off somewhere.. thinking of jerks or what not. it didnt matter. as long as i know she was there with me.
last night, we walked from lido all the way down to citihall mrt station and took 174 back home. how crazy right? its just me. i love walking, especially when im down. walking keeps my mind off things. sometimes i feel that its purposeful, sometimes not. purposeful when i know where im going, how im getting there. like last night, i needed to show dearie the way around. as though i know alot. but the fact was no i know shit about things. i know shit about places around. i know shit about what i wanna do in life. i just knew that we should get to citihall and take a bus ride home. well at least i feel good at that time.
then there were times when i walk aimlessly. seldom but there were. i walked till my legs ache. then i'll go home and sleep. haha.
i think im beginning to understand why some people make use of others. its because they are so hurt inside, they needed others to give them attention. they needed company. they needed something from others. hence, they would do everything, just to get something from others. if you even know what i mean. that said, it does not mean that i condone such act. im definitely not guilty of such act. at least i lay down the terms. there should be rules even before you start your game. how can one play a boundless game? by the way, i said rules and i mean well defined rules. do not smoke your way through... making all rules so blurry. if that's the case, then what is the point of having rules?
i dont know why she made me say things, which she and i clearly know i dont mean it. not in a million times. sometimes i just feel like going home and sink myself in my bed not doing anything. maybe i should be bolder to tell her what i want, even if i have to hurt her. well not like i havent been hurt before. like hell?! why should i care whether or not others are hurt because of me? i mean, fuck. did those who hurt me ever think of how hurt was i? or how hurt am i? i know its so damn fucking mean of me and totally totally a bitchy act, to talk to her while my mind was off somewhere. it totally sucks. not that i feel guilty of anything. luckily i have my sexy ass well covered when i told her where im coming from. i say it sucks because when i do things like this, it just makes me realise or be more consciously aware of what i truly want
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